Upright update !!

The question: How do I achieve good health?

I have been extremely tired and lethargic.  By mid-morning, I am scooting from room to room unable to focus on any one thing.  My mind jumps around as to what to do next and overwhelmed by the visual distractions.  Each object is given some amount of attention.  I begin to take the objects too seriously.  As if they have control over me and my reality.  They have as much power over me as I give them.  If  I removed all of the objects that I thought were causing me pain, I would be left with emptiness and discover much about myself and perhaps the true cause of my pain.  I forget myself and the reality in which I want to create for myself.  I lose connection with my spirituality  and become tortured by my mind and, then my body.This madness is allowed when I forget to breath and focus on the moment.   My judgments run wild and I become mentally and physically unable to enjoy the beautiful expression of Life, we all share.

Due to my husband working on the computer computing, my access to the computer has been scarce the past few weeks.  Our current solution is the reason I am able to write.  I will attempt to write in the morning (while I am fresh),  and in the afternoons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Breaking Boundaries………………….and creating a new life !!

A sence of productivity and accomplishment supports the life Lola creates for herself.  Two months since the hospital visit and Lola has a job, an apartment, and a man.  Aside from the fact that everyone around her, including Paula, is still using, Lola keeps a strong hold of the reality of an addicted life.  The horror of allowing, and even inviting, something to control the deepest parts of yourself.  To be alone and scared.  To be disconnected from the beauty life has to offer.  To be less than that which you always hoped to be.  There are many addictions available to us all.  Some addictions are more obvious than others.  All addictions keep us from becoming a fully ‘Realized’ person.  The meth addict who finds relief in a sober life will also discover the pain of life, which they used over , being ever the more persistent.  We often look to groups for help with our confusion (the environment we are subjected to which influences our beliefs and convictions).   For Lola, church was a good place to start.

Breaking Boundaries…………and showing mercy !!

Lola was nearing a life altering experience that would save her from further destruction of the true happiness which awaited her.  It had been the hardest come down Lola had ever experienced.  One that nearly killed her.  During a two-day recuperation from nearly a 30 day tweak ,she awoke in a state of desperate eagerness to get medical help.  Aside from the increasingly large cyst near her genitals, she was severely dehydrated.  Lola’s body was in complete shut down mode.  Her skin had no pigment.  Her breathing was shallow.  Her soul was slipping away.  Her body was rejecting the life style in which she had known, for too long.

While in the hospital she miss carried twins.  Lola had never wanted anything more than the next fix, until what seemed to be her salvation slipped through the cracks along with her indulgence.  Complacency would no longer be her lot.  Lying there for some weeks, unable to escape the reality with a hit of poison, she became increasingly eager to take action in her life.  Lola fell as far down as it took before she could believe in a power greater than her addiction.   The guilt of her past could only be resolved by the belief in an unknown but present conviction for something better.  This unknown desire to be better than herself was going to carry her far.

 

Breaking Boundaries……..and breaking spells !!

The way to keep her alive was to be like her.  Paula spent a significant amount of her youth romantizing her mothers memory.  Nina was of exquisite beauty.  Passion for life seeped from every smile. She was with child by 17 and willing to give her life for the man she loved.  Paula’s father was already on a path which resembled his fathers.  Their was women, men,drugs, abuse, fast cars, and broken relationships which kept the two from being  honest and true to each other, or themselves.  The marriage lasted long enough to have two wonderful children.  Paula was 2 1/2 when her parents separated the family.

After the destruction of the marriage with Paula”s father, Nina was never without a man.  Working out her own happiness was avoided and replaced by non progressive relationships ,with men and women.  Desperate to be accepted and understood, she chased and harbored the demons of fear and insecurity.  She had everything to look forward to and nothing to believe in.

The children were committed to their mother.  Before Paula and her little brother were rescued from the hell Nina had created, there was much to discover.  Nina frequented many places where she could get a fix.  When Paula was five , Nina and the children  were hanging out at a drug house.  Paula was always instinctually aware of the danger.  She knew they didn’t want to be there.  Paula wanted to protect her mommie and little brother.  Nina went to the kitchen, leaving the children with the other kids and a teenager in the front room.  Paula cried out to her mother not to go, but not even the love for your own child can save you from yourself.  Paula knew from this day forward when anyone she was connected with was injecting themselves with the blood of the dragon.  Walking in on Nina just as she was shooting up will be a memory she can hardly bare to stomach.

At the age of Ten Paula’s mother, Nina, was in a tragic accident.  Nina was Twenty-eight years young and old.

Many years later, Paula and her husband broke the spell.  Paula’s  developed position in the belief that Nina was a good mom led her down a deceiving path.  Nina was a loving and caring women.  And it has accrued to Paula, the love we have for our mother and father doesn’t make them a good role model.

All children love there mommies.  They look up to them and want to be like them. For Paula, this  realization has helped her be a better mom tho her children.

For Paula’s sake , the story goes on !!

Breaking Boundaries…….and breaking my heart !!

Many hearts have been broken.  What does it take to keep the one you love?  For Paula, she didn’t know love anymore.  The innocents and comfort of love had been gradually smothered away by those who loved her most !!  Divorce, sexual abuse, violence, and manipulation are Paula’s crutch.  In a span of seven years, Paula finds herself involved with those who treat her as her father did.

In a matter of one month, Paula had lost thirty pounds.  As a kid, the family called her an amazon women, and not in a complimentary way.  Paula was a healthy strong  young women with a big girl frame.  She became increasingly self-conscious of her appearance, as many young and old women are.  So, when the Meth had succeeded in eating away her body she thought it was wonderful.

And before it gets better for the girls, they find themselves at yet another drug house.  This way of life had Lola by the shirt tails for some years before she latched onto Paula. Running from the boyfriends and into the arms of another nose full, which they managed to hijack, supplied an adrenaline rush.  The idea that they were doing something naughty, which they were, made blood pump all through their bodies.  Our emotions are felt in the body.  And for Lola and Paula, the pulsating went right to the genitals.  Be it the excitement of hiding out or the anticipation of their next fix, the girls were heated and ready to do almost anything.

 

Breaking Boundaries Chapter 2 cont……… !!

A trip to the city was in order.  A trip to celebrate the time lost and a new stretch of careless radical behavior.  The sun was setting on one beautiful summer day, when Paula made a choice to get in the car.  When the girls arrived at a family friends they where plotting already.  Gabby was the oldest of the sisters.  Lola had an incredible appetite for the boys drugs and Gabby was happily going to accommodate the girls.  A drive which brought them to Gabby’s boyfriend , was one step closer to a revelation in Paula’s perspective.  Gabby driving and the boyfriend riding shot-gun, with Lola and I in plain view of the piece (gun) he had pulled out of his pocket.  Paula all of a sudden shifted gears in her mind, from getting in that car with no purpose or understanding of the social relations, to being aware and conscious of her surroundings.  She was now understanding the potential danger was yet to come.  While he raged on about shooting someone Paula sat in the back looking for a way out. The car swerved and jerked around while he screamed and spit all over the girls.

Playing it smooth can hardly be Paula’s complete state of mind.  Entering the apartment with a  severely unstable masculine figure and two girls who looked and acted as if their purpose was understood, would prove to be one decision Paula wished she had of questioned.  Lola was received by someone in the back room directly apon entering.  Gabby and her boyfriend became scarce. While Paula was left with four complete strange men.

Methamphetamines have been known to cloud ones rationale.  The purpose is only to get the next fix.  When one stumbles into logical reasoning while chasing the dragon it is sometimes no enough to save them from the life or death situation manifesting before their very eyes.

Breaking Boudaries ……Chapter 2

One will lie, cheat and steal under the influence of such motivated desires.

Somehow these girls made it to the Army.  One having just had an abortion,and the other, well on her way.  Socially, Paula and Lola where reaching out with both fists clenched.  After the physical examination, and the stern nurses, the girls were loosing control.  Emotions and lack of a fix where driving them to an obvious state of melt-down.  Quite frankly the idea of leaving the one thing she had found to ease the pain, was turning her inside out.  When the testing came to a close and the dragons milk was dry, Paula had managed to get sworn into the military.  This was not surprising, for she was smart and a physically able girl.  Lola would not be joining her though, the Military does not accept pregnant girls.  Lola had lied about the abortion and when the hormone showed up the journey was over.  No way was admittance to a lie going to be acceptable to either parties.

Breaking Boundaries………cont.

Not 24 hours has gone by when Paula and Lola find the poison has worn off and lifes responsibility to progress knocking in the door. Regressing into a position where they are once again giving their power (life force) to a path many never return.  For Paula, the enhancement of her sexuality becomes pleasingly entertaining.  The entertainment of being with an older man, one whom takes pleasure in feeding his ego with lies and defeat, grows with the disapproval of loved ones.  It is obvious to me now, the act of caring and loving direction would have been most effective in deterring such behavior, which could have come from those closest to her.   Although Paula tells herself that just one hit of speed won’t hurt, already her feet are firmly grounded in the swamps of darkness.    When they return to the drug house for more of which brings them to a heightened state of being, with the clear purpose of escaping and acquiring another high, open arms and warm welcomes greet them at the door.

I have never met a drug dealer who set met down or sent me away, only with a pipe in hand or a sack in my pocket.

I am of the opinion that such monsters be brought to justice.  Those who prey on young women,who have their whole life ahead of them, using their youth and beauty along with the lack of direction, to become slaves to the dragon.

The author tells Paula’s story with a conviction for the truth. Her story is only possible through experience, understanding and insight.

Lets hear more about Paula, later……

 

 

Breaking Boundaries

A young girl finds herself quite often in a place where she is braking others boundaries, perhaps because she has none of her own.  Making a pass without appropriated evidence that the receiving end would be willing to submit to such demands.  The struggle within devastates her loved ones and never a moment of relief for Paula.

Running away in her mind only brings temporary relief.  Not long before the humiliation sets in Paula finds herself chasing the dragon. She is so afraid to see herself for what she has become and the work it would take to be better, better than herself.  The drugs and alcohol lend her a predicted response to life, what ever happens just consume as much as is available.  And when the wick burns short, find the loaded gun.  Paula is often only concerned with how she is going to get others to give her what she wants, and I am supposing that the author is having pity when confronting this stage in Paula’s life.

Fresh out of high school with no plans for the future, her way out becomes clear when she is introduced to an older man.  An older man whom has no plans but to lure young women ,with his sack of dope and her first hit of speed.  The first hit goes straight to the genitals. The second hit goes straight to her genitals and on with the music.  Before the sun rises she finds herself in the back bedroom with his friend.

It is obvious to the girlfriend Lola, old men with drugs like young , fresh meat to devour. With Lola’s ragging appetite for speed,  Paula’s lack of direction and self-worth ,the girls transport into well-rounded sluts.  Paula’s beauty becomes a vice in which her friend Lola uses to get the drugs she wants.

Discovering My World

The lack of chemistry was obvious from the moment we met, only her beauty distracted me.  I thought I was making the extra effort out of  curtsy. Possibly, the idea that I am so likeable that ALL women should like me, if they would only open up to me I could help them.  RIGHT !!  Radical acceptance of the truth often saves me from total destruction.

I have discovered when I perceive one as rejecting me I attack.  I become, accidentally, aggressive and behave not at all like I wanted.  I hold no regret or judgement toward the women whom I have violated in the process of discovering myself.    I am desperate for positive interaction with other women.  I can only hope that the best apology be in the successful relationships to come.  I believe, I receive exactly what I am needing.  At the place where I am socially inappropriate, I am looking for loving kindness and forgiveness toward myself.  While harboring anger,. resentment, and jealousy,  I miss out on the present moment, where I find acceptance.  Through acceptance we discover who we are and find each other in one another.  Our relationships may vary well survive through the love we have toward ourselves. The more accepting of ourselves the better we will get along with others.  Acceptance breads acceptance, I will be accepting.