A little ‘Diddy’

I am having the time of my life !!  The many ambitions we posses, among them is writing, MORE WRITING.  I take my P&P (pen and paper).  Use the tools which work for me.  I feel most comfy and calm with the P&P being used.

I like feeling like a reporter.  My enjoyment of reporting consists of material which follows a path of interest for ‘Me’.  Everyone has something to share.  The art of speaking.  The jewels of articulating.  The confidence, taking part in my life.  Listening for what Speaks 2 Me

I want to welcome everyone to share a life worth living with Me.  Come be a part of me, for just one moment!

Up and coming:

MORE…..Breaking Boundaries !  Pog is a mysterious character.  I want to discover him better.  Pog will always have a special place in my heart.  The justice is in portraying him in his completeness (If that is possible).

I will begin clouding his character and look for clues.

MORE……designs from Creative Expressions.  Costume construction.  Wall Art (Alter consciousness).  I need something I can see and meditate on when I first wake up.  A focus of loving energy to invite the muses into my life!  Connecting to my current and ancient reality.  A place of Believing …..just believing!  A place to STOP….LISTEN….REJOICE in the grace of the GODS.  May the muses always find me open to positive expression.

All these blessings I wish for You, as I wish them for myself.  Even if my combined words are foreign to your ears, (as I have used them together), know that ‘good will to All living creatures is my practice.  Know that I am a work in progress!  My world is unfolding with grace ‘moment2moment’.

Until next time friends 🙂

KayDee spinning out


Breaking Boundaries……with Pog the Mysterious

Brave was he (Paula’s boyfriend), treading in the territory of Pog.  Paula’s hide out was discovered.  The days she had been absent were spent at Pog’s.  With no solution as to what to do next, Paula fell back into the arms of a known murder.  Pog’s and Paula’s adventure doesn’t end there, but continues on a more intimate level some years later.

Pog returned from Vietnam with 2/3 his body burned, exposure to agent orange, a heroin addiction which developed into a newbane crutch, and a later discovered chronic illness called hepatitis.  Pog lived through Vietnam, a motor cycle accident, women, kids, a beating that would have killed any (normal) cat.  Pog’s story is an adventure of its own and worthy of our time and attention.

Argument could be made, he never went out seeking those who frequented his place.   While experimenting and experiencing emotional awakenings many addicts stopped in for undeniable comfort Pog offered.  Sometimes the comfort of the needle was what they got instead.  But, Pog was always offering comfort.

The position Paula holds against him is strictly on the grounds of providing a young women with a place to discover herself .  The idea that she may have been worse off anywhere else frequently evaded her in the course of her stay with Pog.   Off and on for five years Pog continued to allow her to return.  Taking a breather from Pog (Paula’s way of not looking at herself), Paula found herself living with a murderer and child abuser.  This was unknown to her in all her ignorance and escape.  Jack’s ugliness soon became evident.  In the months in which Paula was free from meth, her situation was more dangerous than she realized.  It is no doubt that the social situations evolved within the boundaries of drug users, liars, murders, thieves, manipulators, and paranoid individuals are among the many invaders of happiness.

Life is far and wide in the knowledge that Pog could have achieved something more with Paula.  What Pog did achieve has merit.  Paula needed a friend and some would say Pog was anything but.  With Pog’s reputation and Paula’s addictions to destruction, they managed to create an environment which helped save Paula.  This knowledge is known by Paula now, in her recovery!

The first time Paula met Pog she wept in the absence of her mother.  Many positions against life had fallen into Paula’s lap.   Youth or ignorance fails to describe the pain of a young woman with no future in sight.  Only loss and suffering occupied Paula’s present moment.  Paula was looking for her father again, in yet another man who might have been more capable of giving her the love she needed  than any other.

Upright update !!

The question: How do I achieve good health?

I have been extremely tired and lethargic.  By mid-morning, I am scooting from room to room unable to focus on any one thing.  My mind jumps around as to what to do next and overwhelmed by the visual distractions.  Each object is given some amount of attention.  I begin to take the objects too seriously.  As if they have control over me and my reality.  They have as much power over me as I give them.  If  I removed all of the objects that I thought were causing me pain, I would be left with emptiness and discover much about myself and perhaps the true cause of my pain.  I forget myself and the reality in which I want to create for myself.  I lose connection with my spirituality  and become tortured by my mind and, then my body.This madness is allowed when I forget to breath and focus on the moment.   My judgments run wild and I become mentally and physically unable to enjoy the beautiful expression of Life, we all share.

Due to my husband working on the computer computing, my access to the computer has been scarce the past few weeks.  Our current solution is the reason I am able to write.  I will attempt to write in the morning (while I am fresh),  and in the afternoons.













Breaking Boundaries………………….and creating a new life !!

A sence of productivity and accomplishment supports the life Lola creates for herself.  Two months since the hospital visit and Lola has a job, an apartment, and a man.  Aside from the fact that everyone around her, including Paula, is still using, Lola keeps a strong hold of the reality of an addicted life.  The horror of allowing, and even inviting, something to control the deepest parts of yourself.  To be alone and scared.  To be disconnected from the beauty life has to offer.  To be less than that which you always hoped to be.  There are many addictions available to us all.  Some addictions are more obvious than others.  All addictions keep us from becoming a fully ‘Realized’ person.  The meth addict who finds relief in a sober life will also discover the pain of life, which they used over , being ever the more persistent.  We often look to groups for help with our confusion (the environment we are subjected to which influences our beliefs and convictions).   For Lola, church was a good place to start.

Breaking Boundaries…………and showing mercy !!

Lola was nearing a life altering experience that would save her from further destruction of the true happiness which awaited her.  It had been the hardest come down Lola had ever experienced.  One that nearly killed her.  During a two-day recuperation from nearly a 30 day tweak ,she awoke in a state of desperate eagerness to get medical help.  Aside from the increasingly large cyst near her genitals, she was severely dehydrated.  Lola’s body was in complete shut down mode.  Her skin had no pigment.  Her breathing was shallow.  Her soul was slipping away.  Her body was rejecting the life style in which she had known, for too long.

While in the hospital she miss carried twins.  Lola had never wanted anything more than the next fix, until what seemed to be her salvation slipped through the cracks along with her indulgence.  Complacency would no longer be her lot.  Lying there for some weeks, unable to escape the reality with a hit of poison, she became increasingly eager to take action in her life.  Lola fell as far down as it took before she could believe in a power greater than her addiction.   The guilt of her past could only be resolved by the belief in an unknown but present conviction for something better.  This unknown desire to be better than herself was going to carry her far.


Breaking Boundaries……..and breaking spells !!

The way to keep her alive was to be like her.  Paula spent a significant amount of her youth romantizing her mothers memory.  Nina was of exquisite beauty.  Passion for life seeped from every smile. She was with child by 17 and willing to give her life for the man she loved.  Paula’s father was already on a path which resembled his fathers.  Their was women, men,drugs, abuse, fast cars, and broken relationships which kept the two from being  honest and true to each other, or themselves.  The marriage lasted long enough to have two wonderful children.  Paula was 2 1/2 when her parents separated the family.

After the destruction of the marriage with Paula”s father, Nina was never without a man.  Working out her own happiness was avoided and replaced by non progressive relationships ,with men and women.  Desperate to be accepted and understood, she chased and harbored the demons of fear and insecurity.  She had everything to look forward to and nothing to believe in.

The children were committed to their mother.  Before Paula and her little brother were rescued from the hell Nina had created, there was much to discover.  Nina frequented many places where she could get a fix.  When Paula was five , Nina and the children  were hanging out at a drug house.  Paula was always instinctually aware of the danger.  She knew they didn’t want to be there.  Paula wanted to protect her mommie and little brother.  Nina went to the kitchen, leaving the children with the other kids and a teenager in the front room.  Paula cried out to her mother not to go, but not even the love for your own child can save you from yourself.  Paula knew from this day forward when anyone she was connected with was injecting themselves with the blood of the dragon.  Walking in on Nina just as she was shooting up will be a memory she can hardly bare to stomach.

At the age of Ten Paula’s mother, Nina, was in a tragic accident.  Nina was Twenty-eight years young and old.

Many years later, Paula and her husband broke the spell.  Paula’s  developed position in the belief that Nina was a good mom led her down a deceiving path.  Nina was a loving and caring women.  And it has accrued to Paula, the love we have for our mother and father doesn’t make them a good role model.

All children love there mommies.  They look up to them and want to be like them. For Paula, this  realization has helped her be a better mom tho her children.

For Paula’s sake , the story goes on !!

Breaking Boundaries…….and breaking my heart !!

Many hearts have been broken.  What does it take to keep the one you love?  For Paula, she didn’t know love anymore.  The innocents and comfort of love had been gradually smothered away by those who loved her most !!  Divorce, sexual abuse, violence, and manipulation are Paula’s crutch.  In a span of seven years, Paula finds herself involved with those who treat her as her father did.

In a matter of one month, Paula had lost thirty pounds.  As a kid, the family called her an amazon women, and not in a complimentary way.  Paula was a healthy strong  young women with a big girl frame.  She became increasingly self-conscious of her appearance, as many young and old women are.  So, when the Meth had succeeded in eating away her body she thought it was wonderful.

And before it gets better for the girls, they find themselves at yet another drug house.  This way of life had Lola by the shirt tails for some years before she latched onto Paula. Running from the boyfriends and into the arms of another nose full, which they managed to hijack, supplied an adrenaline rush.  The idea that they were doing something naughty, which they were, made blood pump all through their bodies.  Our emotions are felt in the body.  And for Lola and Paula, the pulsating went right to the genitals.  Be it the excitement of hiding out or the anticipation of their next fix, the girls were heated and ready to do almost anything.


Breaking Boundaries Chapter 2 cont……… !!

A trip to the city was in order.  A trip to celebrate the time lost and a new stretch of careless radical behavior.  The sun was setting on one beautiful summer day, when Paula made a choice to get in the car.  When the girls arrived at a family friends they where plotting already.  Gabby was the oldest of the sisters.  Lola had an incredible appetite for the boys drugs and Gabby was happily going to accommodate the girls.  A drive which brought them to Gabby’s boyfriend , was one step closer to a revelation in Paula’s perspective.  Gabby driving and the boyfriend riding shot-gun, with Lola and I in plain view of the piece (gun) he had pulled out of his pocket.  Paula all of a sudden shifted gears in her mind, from getting in that car with no purpose or understanding of the social relations, to being aware and conscious of her surroundings.  She was now understanding the potential danger was yet to come.  While he raged on about shooting someone Paula sat in the back looking for a way out. The car swerved and jerked around while he screamed and spit all over the girls.

Playing it smooth can hardly be Paula’s complete state of mind.  Entering the apartment with a  severely unstable masculine figure and two girls who looked and acted as if their purpose was understood, would prove to be one decision Paula wished she had of questioned.  Lola was received by someone in the back room directly apon entering.  Gabby and her boyfriend became scarce. While Paula was left with four complete strange men.

Methamphetamines have been known to cloud ones rationale.  The purpose is only to get the next fix.  When one stumbles into logical reasoning while chasing the dragon it is sometimes no enough to save them from the life or death situation manifesting before their very eyes.

Breaking Boudaries ……Chapter 2

One will lie, cheat and steal under the influence of such motivated desires.

Somehow these girls made it to the Army.  One having just had an abortion,and the other, well on her way.  Socially, Paula and Lola where reaching out with both fists clenched.  After the physical examination, and the stern nurses, the girls were loosing control.  Emotions and lack of a fix where driving them to an obvious state of melt-down.  Quite frankly the idea of leaving the one thing she had found to ease the pain, was turning her inside out.  When the testing came to a close and the dragons milk was dry, Paula had managed to get sworn into the military.  This was not surprising, for she was smart and a physically able girl.  Lola would not be joining her though, the Military does not accept pregnant girls.  Lola had lied about the abortion and when the hormone showed up the journey was over.  No way was admittance to a lie going to be acceptable to either parties.